PRESS RELEASE FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE March 15, 2003 - Seattle, WA Chairman Barium Promotes Himself to Grand High Executive Lord & Chieftain Not-so-surprise move brings hefty pay raise and even more unchecked power. Employees "elated," says Barium. SEATTLE - In a move that surprised absolutely no one, SkyHigh Airlines Chairman and CEO Howard Barium announced today that he has promoted himself to the newly created position of "Grand High Executive Lord & Chieftain" following a unanimous vote by a board of directors consisting entirely of himself. "After an exhaustive six-second search, I determined that I was the only candidate qualified for this position," said Barium from his newly expanded corner office, which now occupies the entire 47th floor of SkyHigh headquarters. "The board - me - agreed wholeheartedly." The promotion comes with a 847% salary increase, a fleet of personal aircraft, naming rights to Seattle's weather, and the authority to have employees refer to him as "Your Benevolence" or face termination. Employee Response "Our employees are absolutely elated," Barium reported on behalf of the workforce. "I asked myself how they felt, and I said they couldn't be happier. Direct quote." When reached for comment, SkyHigh employees were observed staring blankly at walls, updating their resumes, and weeping softly in supply closets. One anonymous gate agent described the mood as "exactly what you'd expect when a man who once described customers as 'revenue units with complaints' gives himself more power." New Corporate Initiatives As Grand High Executive Lord & Chieftain, Barium announced several new initiatives: All company communications must now begin with "Praise Be to Barium" Employee bathroom breaks will be reduced from "occasional" to "theoretical" A 40-foot bronze statue of Barium will replace the customer service desk at all hub airports Casual Friday has been replaced with "Grovel Tuesday" The company suggestion box will now redirect directly to the paper shredder, "for efficiency" Industry Reaction Aviation industry analysts expressed mild concern about the consolidation of power. "This is somewhat unusual," noted airline industry consultant Margaret Chen. "Most executives at least pretend to have oversight. Barium has essentially declared himself emperor of a regional airline. It's either madness or genius." She paused. "It's madness." The Federal Aviation Administration declined to comment, noting that "technically, there's no regulation against megalomania." Looking Ahead When asked about his vision for SkyHigh's future, Barium grew contemplative. "I see a company where profits soar, costs plummet, and I personally never have to interact with a single passenger. That's the dream." He then pressed a button on his desk that dispensed a small trophy labeled "Executive of the Moment - Awarded by H. Barium to H. Barium." Barium's next planned promotion - to "Eternal Sky Emperor and Defender of the Overhead Bins" - is expected sometime next quarter. "I encourage my employees to dream big. And by 'employees,' I mean me. And by 'dream big,' I mean give myself raises." - Howard Barium, Grand High Executive Lord & Chieftain ### Media Contact: Howard Barium (He handles his own press. He's the only one he trusts.) << Back to SkyHype News
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