Malled Greetings from "The Shoppes at Cedarswood at Glenstoneshire Mall" in Boise, Idaho. I'm here as part of our new corporate initiative "Putting Customers Third," where we are attempting to get in touch with consumers. Our strategy is simple: complete immersion. Now, I have all the people skills of a veterinarian. Don't get me wrong: I like people as a concept. It's just that actual people keep ruining it for me. That's why I am here at the mall. To learn. To grow. Normally, I shop exclusively online for the same reasons everybody else does: convenience, selection, and irrational fear of infectious disease. I, accompanied by my executive assistant, Bertrand, entered the space. My senses were immediately assaulted by a pepper-spray of neon. After quickly securing a pair of "blue blockers" from a sleeping elderly security guard, I was able to walk farther into the space. The 23 minutes that followed would be profound, moving and leave me with a food-court sodium bloat that almost made me saw my pinky ring off. This experience has raised as many questions for me as it has answered. For example: Spoiled rotten I often wonder why it is passengers mewl like a newborn at the slightest inconvenience. They've been spoiled by places like these. Their every whim is catered to, their every need met. Thirsty? Here's a smoothie. Hungry? Here's a pretzel the size of a catcher's mitt. And all that space. It's no surprise they look so upset when you ask them to sit on their feet on the flight to Dallas. I mean the blood flow will return eventually, but the pilots' golf bags will not get to Fort Worth by themselves. What happened to metal shop? Okay, piercing. Clue me in here. These kids look like the fastener department of a hardware store. What in the name of the Marquis de Sade is going on in their sweet little heads? My sympathies to those who run the metal detectors at the airports. The food court I continue to be amazed at the bounty in this country-followed directly by the tendency to put that bounty on a stick. The shopping mall food court offers something for any discriminating palate, as long as that palate doesn't discriminate in terms of taste, presentation or aroma. I tried Tripe on a Stick, a Corn Chowder Push-Up and Cap'n Ahab's BelugaBerri Frozen Yogurt topped with Kandi Krill. Every ethnicity is represented, including some delicious Canadian food. In fact, the only thing that was missing was a "Welcome Future By-pass Patients" banner. My cholesterol is now right up there with the Dow Jones. It's refreshing to know that the bar is so low should SkyHigh start offering food again. (WAIT FOR LAUGHTER) You know, I never get tired of telling that joke. The oil crisis It seems every other storefront in this place is some kind of lotion shop. The Body Barn, Mr. Skin, and Living Leather. Have I missed a trend where it is suddenly fashionable to glisten like a wet seal? There are lotions, balms, waxes, ointments, salves, poultices, unguents, creams, sprays and mudpacks in every scent. Not to mention, exfoliants, glycolic peel, a papaya enzyme peel, microderm abrasion and depilatory creams. (Depilatory means hair removal. Something you should know before moisturizing your face with it. Or you'll end up drawing on your eyebrows with a Sharpie. Not that I'd know.) While we don't completely understand the trend, SkyHigh is now offering a complimentary moisturizer. It's labeled "non-dairy creamer." Eventually, this whole thing became too much. I needed to calm my nerves. Bertrand and I sought shelter in an Amazon Cafe. I enjoyed a Curare Margarita from their Great Spirits Collection, Poison Tree Frog Prawns and Plate-In-Your-Lip Fajitas. When the simulated thunder and lightning started, I grabbed my polystyrene, logoed leftover container and threw a few cents into the mouth of the alligator to help the "rainforest." It was then I realized two things: One, I never want to come back here. Two, that ceramic alligator must pull in $150 a day. Genius. Okay. Good stuff. Keep your head in the clouds. Howard ARCHIVE TITLES -What is with you people? -The importance of 'trying' -Malled -Lake Havasu, 2003 - What a party! -Planes are neat. But my boat is better. -Let me tell you about my stuff. -Passengers vs. Profits: The koo-koo nutty teeter-totter of care. -Remembering what we do. Which is what again? -Let's give nihilism a chance. -I vouch for vouchers.
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